Since my uncle hasn’t escaped from his nursing home like he promised me he would, I can’t blog about that. Yet. Instead, I’ll blog about attending the Uncabaret, but when you see a rangy, sixty-eight-year-old Vietnam veteran version of me shuffling past your porch, wearing sandals and an iguana, call me.

Okay, so the Uncabaret. Comics and other ha-ha types test material at this venue, currently First & Hope,  and it’s so a privilege to watch these artists massaging their work since it’s still soft, not hardened like the fully cooked terd it aspires to be. The legendary Beth Lapides emcees. This is her, blurring the lines between herself and a bird.

Who performed?

#1, Greg Fitzsimmons

Pros: Fitzsimmons made me flinch with laughter while he described fingering a cat. He also mocked the ethnic group that I seventy-five percent belong to: Mexican.

Cons: He has a penis.

#2, Mary Lynn Rajskub

Pros: Rajskub, the snap cup bitch from Legally Blonde 2, came out as a one-time scissor sister. More embarrassingly, she also came out as a former Hard Rock Cafe waitress.

Cons: She described an ex’s dog as having no butthole and then totally abandoned this beautiful piece of information, providing no explanation for this smooth, canine oddity that I am imagining, in all its velveteen glory, as I type. Mary Lynn, WHAT DID IT SMELL LIKE? I HAVE TO KNOW!

#3, Blair Tefkin

Pros: Tefkin did something different, she sang.

Cons: Tefkin did something different, she sang.

#4, Natasha Leggero

Pros: Leggero demonstrated  how feminine uptones are hurting the Women’s Movement.

Cons: She remained dressed.

#5, Ali Wong

Pros: Wong dissed Burning Man. She admitted to a rice addiction.

Cons: Wong mysteriously wore her purse through her entire set and never mentioned why. Sneaky Asian, I’ll bet it was full of rice.

#6, Wendy Ho

Pros: Ho fellated the mic and managed to make it look pretty.

Cons: She stole nobody’s purse.

With the exception of Greg Fitzsimmons’ penis, the evening was a snatchstravaganza, a feast of gorgeous and intelligent vadge’s attached to hilarzballs minds. I smell a little bit of gay on Greg, though. You know what his dog’s name is? Brûlée.