Spooning María Félix

Like many, Andy Griffith has died.

Mom’s dad, Abuelito, joined the many last month. He died at 97.

Abuelito was very Renaissance. He trained for the priesthood. He worked as a publicist. He toiled as a poet. He relaxed with his secretary. Until my aunts walked in.

According to Abuelito, María Félix a.k.a. La Doña a.ka. the personification of jalapeño popper-flavored sex forced her nymphomaniacal, negligeed body upon him. He defended himself with a wooden spoon.

Abuelito enjoyed asking me- “¿M’ija, es cierto que en los Estados Unidos hay calles de un güey?”

Now that he’s gone, and the people of his Jaliscan village, Villa Guerrero, plan on naming a street in his honor, somebody must show them what I believe to be the superior tribute.

Otherwise, it will be the

To honor Andy Griffith’s most famous television role, and since I happen to be staying in an Iowan village reminiscent of Mayberry, I plan on strolling from stoop to stoop, checking to see whether or not people still feel safe enough to keep their doors unlocked.

If neighborhood watch shoos me, I’ll remind them of how foolish the people of Bethlehem must have felt after another bedraggled Myriam attempted to crawl into  a hayloft there.

The Virgin Birth at an Israeli Checkpoint or My Father’s Life in the 70s

Behold, my Midwestern Bethlehem’s two marquees:

The word Soylient rubbed off.

I would, but the fucker doesn’t return my calls.

We are staying with TJ’s parents. Her father, who calls me kid, saved his garden’s first crop of vegetables for me, since I’m from California, and foolish enough to eat those. To assist TJ with a comedic bit she performs about being attacked by an elderly, road-enraged Texan, he bought her a cane. He explained to her that this cane was probably used to herd hogs when they get out of line, kind of like Myriam, and he demonstrated how she ought to incorporate it into her act.

I want to incorporate it into mine.

When you lay down with Mr. Peanut, you wake up with canes.

I’m altering my wardrobe in order to fit in with the community.

Motherly denim.

I feel safe stowing my luggage beside a crossbow.

Which of you rednecks is gonna offer yerselves as tribute?


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