Bitchie Valens

Today, we drive to Clear Lake, Iowa. There, I will show Ritchie Valens how much he meant to me as a young chickena (how cuellos rojos cluck chicana) by streaking through a corn field declaring that vato’s final vowel.

Shove over güera or join me in screaming: “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”

My little brother, who now works as a techicano (Mexican-American I.T. slave), was bullied by our dad into performing La Bamba in Veracruzano costume at our elementary school’s talent show.

It was a pretty sweet little number till somebody washed it with their tie-dye sweater.

Techicano sang verses that differed from Lou Diamond Phillips’ Taco Bell version of la canción.

              C
PARA SER MI CUNADO 

     F    G
SE NECESITA

                  C      F  G
QUE ME DES A TU HERMANA

                   C
QUE ME DES A TU HERMANA 

     F    G
LA MAS BONITA
Or, in Gringish, “To be my brother-in-law it is required for you to give me your centerfold of a seester.”

Gobble, gobble, ladies.

Techicano sang the ballad to acoustic guitar accompaniment reverbing out of a boom box. He had moves. As he shimmied into the cuñado verse, the Mexicans in the crowd lost their caca. They acted like a piñata full of cocaine had just been cracked over them.
After that performance, techicano had all the third grade heines on his jock.
Thanks, Ritchie.

Common cholo names include Big Sleepy, Cerote Gigante, and Bob.

Ritchie’s brother Bob, played in La Bamba by Esai Morales, also provided therapeutic moments.

Donna.

My good buddy Fish, during her most stressed out high school days, days when lunchtime meetings of Students Against Drunk Driving ended in beer cans being crushed by titties, would come home, throw a wife beater on, stomp into her backyard, throw her arms up in el aire, and wail “RIIIIIIIIIITCHIIIIIIIIIIIE!” til she felt better. That, or a blunt, did the trick.

Donatella.

The yelling Ritchie scene rules so damn much, it has its own Facebook page.

At least half of the likes are from Don McLean.

I really dislike Lou Diamond Phillips. He is a Filipino who plays tons of Mexican characters and marries lesbians. He is taking our jobs and our women. Julie Cypher finally escaped from him after stealing his horse off the set of Young Guns and leaping bareback into the ever-loving armpits of La Otra, La Etheridge.

We don’t wear fur. Or men.

Gotta go polish my Buddy Holly glasses so I can see the crash site clearly.

Whose gonna tell Donna?!

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