Mom saw this picture posted on Facebook.
Worried as a wookie, she called me.
“Lesbrain!” she Chewbaccaed, in Spanish. “With the current state of public education, there are bound to be budget cuts. How can TJ afford to be getting haircuts like this? WHO WILL PAY FOR YOUR ALLERGY MEDICATIONS?! IS THAT WOMAN TWERKING?”
“Mo-om,” I moaned, “Relax. That woman is Izzy Hilton. She does not twerk when she cuts our hair. She’s an internet celebrity and an alumnus of my classroom. She operates a hair salon
and she gives us a homie hook-up.”
“Mom, a chomie is a friend. She gives us the chomie price.”
Now Mom’s white fro is in line for its chomie chookup.
Since the original cut, Izzy has Beibered Teej. She followed up the teenybop chop with some Axis-powered chic. Izzy gave the cut a very specific name, however, when people compliment her hair, I never hear TJ lisp, “Thankss. It’ss the Hitler.”
TJ’s hair was looking a little unkampft, so on Taco Tuesday, we returned to Izzy Scissorhands.
Izzy introduced us to Di Henri, her shooter.
Di Henri emigrated to LA from Inca Kolaville, Peru. He speaks better English than half my family.
Half my family lives in Mexico.
TJ told Izzy to do whatever to her hair.
Di Henri and I shot a before shot.
While Izzy scissored Teej, we quibbled over the difference between lucid dreaming and astral projection.
We decided that astral projection is what Margaret Cho’s mom does.
Lucid dreaming is what Izzy did in class.
TJ shared that a reality star is petitioning to crash her public speaking class.
The administrators won’t tell her who it is.
“God, I hope it’s Jesus Jugs!” I said.
“No!” Izzy protested. “Nene Leakes!”
Trimming TJ’s sideburns, Izzy bossed, “TJ, show me how you do your hair!”
Maybe she wasn’t lucidly dreaming in my class. She sounded as bitchy as me!
TJ grabbed some goop. She rubbed.
“Work it from the back! Work it from the back!” Izzy cheered. Izzy claims to have twerk Tourette’s. She can’t help but pop it.
TJ twerked that hair.
Watching Iz and Teej work and twerk together, gender became null.
We astrally twerked.
Till Izzy’s mom made us get back in our bodies and go home.