Astral Twerking

Mom saw this picture posted on Facebook.

Worried as a wookie, she called me.

“Lesbrain!” she Chewbaccaed, in Spanish. “With the current state of public education, there are bound to be budget cuts. How can TJ afford to be getting haircuts like this? WHO WILL PAY FOR YOUR ALLERGY MEDICATIONS?! IS THAT WOMAN TWERKING?”

“Mo-om,” I moaned, “Relax. That woman is Izzy Hilton. She does not twerk when she cuts our hair. She’s an internet celebrity and an alumnus of my classroom. She operates a hair salon

and she gives us a homie hook-up.”


(Mom’s in the kitchen, Hebrewing more letter h. L’chaim!)

“Mom, a chomie is a friend. She gives us the chomie price.”

Now Mom’s white fro is in line for its chomie chookup.

Since the original cut, Izzy has Beibered Teej. She followed up the teenybop chop with some Axis-powered chic. Izzy gave the cut a very specific name, however, when people compliment her  hair, I never hear TJ lisp, “Thankss. It’ss the Hitler.”

TJ’s hair was looking a little unkampft, so on Taco Tuesday, we returned to Izzy Scissorhands.

Izzy introduced us to Di Henri, her shooter.

Machu Pikacchu

Di Henri emigrated to LA from Inca Kolaville, Peru. He speaks better English than half my family.

Half my family lives in Mexico.

TJ told Izzy to do whatever to her hair.

Di Henri and I shot a before shot.

Laverne and surely not a lady.

While Izzy scissored Teej, we quibbled over the difference between lucid dreaming and astral projection.

We decided that astral projection is what Margaret Cho’s mom does.

Lucid dreaming is what Izzy did in class.

At least her third eye is awake.

TJ shared that a reality star is petitioning to crash her public speaking class.

Not him.

The administrators won’t tell her who it is.

“God, I hope it’s Jesus Jugs!” I said.

Real Housewives of Orange County’s Alexis Bellino, aka J squared, and her husband, Ron Jeremy.

“No!” Izzy protested. “Nene Leakes!”

Trimming TJ’s sideburns, Izzy bossed, “TJ, show me how you do your hair!”

Maybe she wasn’t lucidly dreaming in my class. She sounded as bitchy as me!

TJ grabbed some goop. She rubbed.

“Work it from the back! Work it from the back!” Izzy cheered. Izzy claims to have twerk Tourette’s. She can’t help but pop it.

Even the First Lady twerks. Twerking is a dance revival of the art form Josephine Baker introduced to Paris in the 30s. Watch an instructional twerk video. Watch Josephine Baker twerk.

TJ twerked that hair.


Watching Iz and Teej work and twerk together, gender became null.

We astrally twerked.

Till Izzy’s mom made us get back in our bodies and go home.



  1. HOT DAMB! I have twerk envy!
    What if it’s one of them Bad Girls Club bitches trying to get in TJ’s class. It could get dangerous up in thar!

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