How to Get Chicks by Exploiting Marine Mammals

Opening Lines from Books, Most of Them Trilogies I’ve Written, that Double as Very Successful Pick Up Lines if You Say Them Correctly to the Right Person.

The otters were restless, again.

The lesbians were angry, again.

The lesbians were otters, again.

Chad hid something in the split pea soup that he regretted nine months later.

It was the day that the feminists were going to kill all the men.

With the men gone, a social hierarchy based on heavy lifting was formed.

Wearing ski masks, she was hard to make out.

Lift your arms and show us your beard!

The chunk of Berlin Wall dangling from the activist’s neck flaked asbestos onto her mink.

“Is that a mink wearing a SARS mask?”

She prayed she would outgrow her ethnicity.

We could wake up, covered in Vitiligo.

The young mother turned away from the changing table, and, when she looked back, her baby was gone.

“I’m down here,” said the baby.

She longed to be taller than a Oaxacan Indian.

Salma Hobbit knew that, like Shirley Temple Iglesias, she was too big for Mexican Middle-earth.

They marched the child-sized coffin across the miniature golf course’s ninth hole.

I kissed a frog and I liked it.

I kissed a frog just to try it.

It felt so wrong.

It felt so right.

Katy Perry’s breasts could eat mine in a fight.




  1. HAHAHHAHHAHHAHAHHHAHHAHAHHA! ‘I’m down here, said the baby’ is my favorite! I’m gonna use it tomorrow on the first attractive person I see!

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