He Dreamed of Becoming a Legitimate Rapist and Looked up to all the Legitimate Rapists and Wrote Them Fan Mail and Collected their Autographs by Stalking them and Forcing them to Sign Like Andrew Jackson Coaxing a Squaw into Signing a Treaty

I prefer Spanish words for rape.

Translation: To rape somebody with a gaze. Sorry Mr. Frijol

Violar, verb, to violate.

La violación, the violation, and…it’s feminine.

La violación’s femininity stems from Lilith.

She has a hard time finding shoes.

According to Jewish folklore, God made Lilith at the same time as Adam.

Lilith was not a McRib.

Eve, is that you?

Instead, God sculpted Jewess Lilith from the same trash heap as her male counterpart.

When the McRib commanded his co-trash to lie down, she asked, “Why?”

McRib told her, “So that I can feel like I’m king of the world.”

“No way,” said Lilith. “We’re both made of recyclables. Why should I have to lie down?”

Adam answered, “Because I’m king of the world.”

Lilith shook her head, flapped her wings, and flew straight out of Eden, to San Francisco, somewhere down around Folsom, leaving Adam alone in the garden with the animals and Mexican who tended the grass.

God cursed Lilith for escaping rape of by granting her eternal life.

Lilith fought back against God’s punishment by kidnapping sleeping babies’ souls (there is no such thing as Sudden Infant Death, it’s Lilith) and stealing nocturnal emissions from emitters of all ages.

To summarize, Lilith protected herself from legitimate rape. God punished her assertiveness. She avenged her honor by becoming a sleepy-time rapist.

Lilith wrote the first rape-revenge story.

Gimme all your sperm.

That’s why the Spanish word for rape is feminine.

Moving on.

When a speaker or twitterer tosses the word legitimate in front of violation, it looks blatantly dumb. Oxymoronic.

Unfortunately, current trends in American misogyny have turned rape into such a hard-to-define swamp creature that many people, and Palins, don’t see anything oxymoronic about arguing over legitimate versus illegitimate manifestations. As if there were rapes with daddies versus bastard rapes. Legitimate heirs to the rapey throne and pretenders who dry rape. Rapey impostors versus true-blue-baby-I-love-you violators. I did it because I love you. I love us. 

That said, in my world, I classify illegitimate rapes as fictions and legitimate rapes as non-fictions.

The following illegitimate rapes are meant to demonstrate how illegitimate (fictional) rape can be worthwhile and instructive. Take a trip down my Freeway.

1. Freeway (1996)

In the movie Freeway, Reese Witherspoon runs away from home after undercover pigs arrest her mother for hooking. Reese’s getaway car breaks down along an LA freeway, and a serial killer with a ponytail fetish, Bob, stops to give her a lift.

Reese Witherspoon as rape-revenge babe Vanessa Lutz.

Bob informs Vanessa/Reese of his necrophilic intentions and Vanessa, a survivor, goes into survivor mode. Using a gift her boyfriend gave her, a gun, Vanessa/Reese shoots Bob in the head and frees herself. Everybody doubts the legitimacy of her rape story because Bob is an upstanding child psychologist, a saint. Everybody dismisses Vanessa as a whore and the state sends her to jail, where she meets a bunch Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival types.

What lesson does Freeway hold?

Lesbianism that happens in prison stays in prison.

Once cellmate Mesquita gains access to a man post- jailbreak, Reese/Vanessa is DE-NIED.

2. Cape Fear (1991)

In the movie Cape Fear, Max Cady, a rapist who attorney Nick Nolte didn’t defend properly, he buried information about one of Cady’s victims being a slut which could’ve set Cady free, sluts can’t be raped, emerges after many years of serving his undeserved time. Max Cady drives a Mustang, wears strange loafers, and collects tattoos, all while wanting to exact a unique revenge on Nick Nolte by raping every woman and animal in his life.

Max Cady, all-American rapist.

Cady demonstrates that he is a resourceful villain, able to seduce paralegals and impersonate Latina housekeepers, and in a final horrifying final scene that takes place on the water, a partially barbecued Max Cady speaks in tongues while drowning like a dying prophet.

What lesson does Cape Fear hold?

That final scene prepared me for Catholic school.

This man, my high school religion teacher, often spoke to me in tongues.

3. Kill Bill Volume 1 (2003)


A rape-revenge variation of curb-stomping.

4. American Me (1992)

American Me is a different film, a film about male rape and male revenge. Everybody in the movie goes to prison, a place where sexual assault, and Pruno, are served.

What lessons does American Me hold?

Rapists do not make better lovers.

Don’t make movies that rhyme.

Blood in Blood Out didn’t rhyme.

5. Law &  Order Special Victims Unit 

If fictional rape victim Serena had gotten a fictional abortion, then kick ass fictional detective Olivia Benson wouldn’t exist.

How’s that for an argument against fictional abortion?

Fictional rapes create fictional people.

I am Pro-fictional-life and pro-fictional rape.



  1. I’m not sure about the Lilith fairE tale, but in Hebrew, the word for v-jay-jay, literally translated, means “hole.” However, not only does the one-eyed monster get a party after 8 days on Earth, it has the distinction of being a letter in the Hebrew alphabet. That’s right, in this nonfictional tale you enter Kindergarten and on the first day you learn; A – B – C – DICK – E – F – G……

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s