I’m observing Lincoln Day the traditional way, by getting a transvaginal probe.
However, earlier this three-day weekend, which, in honor of the Great Emancipator, ought to smell like hot penny, I celebrated a mini class reunion: Most Unique and Best Eyebrows, class of ’95, Together Again!
Most Unique arrived Friday afternoon, while I was “working,” and after I sped home to find her in my living room, we stayed up talking, watching Mommie Dearest, and HA-HA-HA-ING ourselves Shetland pony (a little hoarse). In the morn, we kicked it TJlessly, she’d gone out to teach, and I was saying to Most Unique, as she applied a juicy cosmetic to her face, something like, “Wow, look at you. Most Unique. You went on to become a wine consultant. And me, Best Eyebrows. Now these eyebrows are teaching. They’re educators. And Most Fun. Most Fun’s a librarian.”
While lining her big, half Mexican eyes, Most Unique said something like, “Well, we really didn’t do a very good job choosing Most Likely to Succeed. I mean, a pedophile? And she never seemed like a lesbian, I mean, she really wore a lot of makeup. I always thought it was a little too much, really. What time do you think she had to get up to start appl—”
Because I’m an upstanding citizen, I groaned, “WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!” Nobody had told Best Eyebrows that we’d voted a future chomo as Most Likely to Succeed.
“You didn’t know about Bubbles?!!! Yeah! She started molesting some girl while she was an elementary school teacher and she got busted once she became a principal. Oh, it was on TV all the time and people were like, ‘Yeah, she’s pretty hot,’ but isn’t it always that way with those broads? She had to register as a sex offender and her first husband’s family was pissed ’cause she dirtied their name but then Ears married her. Did you know Ears works for the FBI now? They have a kid. Do you think she’s allow to drop the kid off at school?”
“EARS! Ears tricked me into going out on a date with him when we were in high school! I guess since I didn’t know he was taking me on a date, you could call it a date rape. This makes perfect sense, the two of them getting together.”
I ran to my bedroom, grabbed my yearbooks, and rushed them back to the living room. I told Most Unique, “There must be clues in these. We’re gonna figure out why she did it. The answers are in here.” I wanted a large magnifying glass to add to my Holmesian persona but didn’t feel like rummaging through the garage’s termites for it, and so, without a large magnifying glass, we drove to the gayborhood, sat at a Park Pantry booth, and like Nancy Grace, began to connect the dots.
Why had Most Likely to Succeed done this? What could’ve pushed her? What made her snap? BTW, Snapped is Most Unique’s favorite television show.
Somebody put Jeffrey Dahmer in our yearbook.
This woman taught health.
On Most Likely to Succeed’s senior page, her family congratulated her for her accomplishments and included this inspirational quote:
Post-sleuthing, we met up with TJ and drove to LA. On Melrose, we were mooned twice. One of the men who mooned us died. I bought three books and seven babies.
I went to bed at 11 o’clock.
On Sunday, we went to a nightclub in the daytime to observe fine entertainment.
SHE HONORED OUR ANCESTORS,
A GAY PIE-EATING CONTEST HAPPENED AT OUR FEET,